RIP Little Yue Yue

I'm sure many of you have heard of hit-and-run case of Little Yue Yue in China, Fuzhou.



I've to say I'm still in major disgust thinking about it and felt even worse when I read on Friday night that the poor little 2 year old toddler has passed away simply because her body couldn't fight anymore. Her brain was so damaged that many parts of her body (limbs, lungs, immune system) can no longer function.

I find it extremely painful to admit that such things still happen in this world. And if as a person, we can't help our fellow human being, what would we do if it was a dog in this situation instead? I can't imagine. There are just many elements to this tragedy that upsets me. As I was watching the video, the father of Yue Yue appeared to look extremely calm which I found it rather strange. I had a talk with my mom and she simply said - Because she's a girl. WHAT? Am I hearing it right? We're living in year 2011 and we still practice such traditional values of 重男轻女 (preferring sons over daughters)?? My mom added that perhaps the father could get over it fast because they can always have another kid. I'm not a feminist but I felt offended. Maybe I overreacted.

Growing up in a huge family (my grandma has 7 children, my mother's the 3rd daughter), I've always never been my Grandma's favorite grandchild. I didn't take a second to wonder why because it was clear to me that it was really because I'm a girl and I can't carry the surname of the family. My grandma's face would lit up at the sight of my cousin who's the first and eldest grandson of the family. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma nonetheless; and growing up I accepted that this is how things are going to be.

Anyway, this post is dedicated to Little Yue Yue and her devastated parents whom probably might never get over this ordeal.

Rest in peace, Yue Yue. Your story was heard/seen/felt by millions all over the world and though we've never met; your story has touched and angered me. I'm sorry you had to go through this. You were a strong little soldier, you know? I bet nobody expected you to last 8 days in ICU, fighting to stay alive; but you did. I know you're off to a better place - with cotton candy clouds, mashmellow pillows and a mountain of toys. I hope your case finds justice and the person who did this to you to be put behind bars to repent for what he has done.

April xo

2 months, 8 weeks, 61 days

Many have asked me time and time again, "Are you ok? How are you dealing with the break up?". A month ago, I was shrugging it off, talking about it here and there and today I finally felt like I could talk about it. You know, without hate.

The breakup wasn't immediate like a tsunami, it felt like a slow and deadly flesh-eating disease that chew me inside out over time. There were couple times I couldn't deal with it at all, I had to hide under sheets and cry but these days I don't cry so much anymore. I still think about the past some times but it doesn't hurt anymore. That's progress, IMO.

I don't know about him. A month after the breakup, I decided to unfollow him on twitter which honestly helped me A LOT. They were right, if you really want to get over someone, you need to stay away from the person even if it means virtually. Facebook updates were a hit and miss.

In short, the breakup didn't uprooted my life. I was very fortunate. It just uprooted me from all that compromising state I was in. I was really rolling in the deep. I am scarred but I believe some day someone's gonna walk me out of it. Out of all that second guessing and insecurity. He just didn't want to be the one and it's okay.

It's been 2 months equivalent of 8 weeks and equivalent of 61 days...... I'm clean of the achin'.

the littlest things

We want a lot of things. Ok let me narrow this down. We want or expect a lot from our partners. Especially from the one you have (in my case, crazy) thoughts walking down the aisle with. We really expect a lot. (quit saying no, it's the truth and you know it)

The media has changed our mindsets over time with advertisements, movies, prints and music. We start to emote, worry, sulk, frustrate over things that we can't have. We began to wonder why can that lead actress end up with a prince and I can't? I want that happy ending too. But can I? So you start wishing and your wish list gets too damn fuckin' long.

What do you expect from your man? The 5Cs? That expensive car? The kind that jumps infront of a train for you? Take a bullet for you? What do you expect from your man?

I used to expect a lot from my man because I thought I was in the position to demand. But when life takes place and things happen, you gradually demand less and modify your list.

Couple hours ago I sat down and I thought about what I really want in my man. It used to be a long list but now it has come to wanting a man who's responsible for his own life, includes me in his plans, hold basic conversations with me everyday, make time for me when he can and most importantly place me close to his heart.

Now, realistically go think about what you expect from your partner. If the first thing that comes to your mind is - he/she must earn twice as much as you then you really haven't seen the worst or you haven't really love.

Good night, y'all. Have a great week ahead!

Of relationships and other stuff

This is how I describe my love life.

I don't want to be that person yakking away about how much I want to be involved in your life.

To Joshua

I hate cleaning my desk or my shelves because I'll always find something that somehow manage to take me down a trip memory lane. Be it painful or not. Sometimes trips like these... are uncalled for. Or that deluded mini me refuse to go back in time and watch how I used to hurt people without batting my lashes.

I found a dusty folder with a couple of torn out pages from a note book written by a long lost friend. People call them love letters. It was couple years back during my angsty and super hiao teenage years, I met Joshua.

Joshua's the kind of buddy who's always around. He's the kinda guy to tell you nice things but mean to you sometimes. He's not the best looking bloke but he's so smart you wish all your dates were half like him. Joshua was a great friend.

That year I had plans to leave for Australia to further my studies, so he brought me for dinner and gave me this note book as a farewell gift. Sure enough, there after we never meet again. I lost him as a friend too due to my lack of sensitivity. Pure idiocy, I say. I still remember the last thing he ever said to me was - "Have a nice life."

Anyway, it was a scrap book, some sort. With badly printed pictures of us and funny scribbles.. That 'bad girl' I used to be actually was so loved by someone.

Here's what the final note read:

Dear April,
As I already told you in my blog, the book is meant for you to write down all the things you love about yourself. You are so beautiful to me. Your feistiness, the way you feel strongly about family, your insecurities and your strength. Everything that you are is perfect to me. I hope that as you embark upon the journey in Australia, you will learn to discover everything that I told you about you. I wish you could see yourself though my eyes. But I guess it always takes time. Oh yeah on another note, don't forget to remember me.

He also wrote a couple of poems to/about me, here's my favourite, titled "Angel":

To break my heart and the serene sky,
To cause the rainfalls from on high.
To kill the songs of the birds,
All you have to do is cry.

Walk upon the empty road,
Destination still unknown.
You are my guide through all the world,
My love, my destiny.

If I could have you now as mine,
Pain and hell I shall deny.
Yet broken bits of memory lay,
So much flowers we have to slay.

Thus let us go into the night,
of endless darkness, of little sight.
And perhaps blinds us now forever,
So we cannot see that we can never.

For you, the stars will die.
Joshua.

To Joshua, thank you for believing in me and that convinced me that I could be someone's perfection. We may not be friends anymore and though memories of our friendship are tugged away at the back of my mind, I wish you well. I hope you're somewhere doing great with your life and met someone who deserves your love.

Thank you for your love.

April

we all move along

Today was.. strange. I type this as I bit my lips and squeezed my heart.

A told me today his family plans to leave for Australia. And the best part is? They don't plan to come back. I admit, at that moment I thought he was joking. I thought, how can that be? He must be joking. But I turned to look at him once more and I recognise that face. He's been looking troubled all week. I never got down to ask. I never got down to find out why. Maybe this IS why.


As I tear now, I realize I can never tell you what I've always wanted to say.

Dinner with Ally today was good. It was impromptu but good.

We talked about lots of stuff - Work, recent happenings, mutual friends, boyfriends, other people's boyfriends/love lives... we never run out of topic. As I chew on my plate of Caesar Salad, I'm thankful for girlfriends like her who doesn't judge me, demand, expect anything from me. Afterall, there are only so many people you can rely on. Don't call me a cynic, I'm guarded by most people, because I think they're always out to take something away from you.

I've friends like that. In fact they're all around me. They just keep taking. And taking. When I say take, I don't mean physical objects like money or sexual favours, but intangible items like love, time and trust. These things can't be seen or touched but they can be felt. Every single day I wonder about the things I've been taken away of. Sometimes I try not to think about it but my mind wander off to the dark side again. They have cookies.

And sometimes, they take pieces of my heart too. To those who are guilty, please return them to its rightful owner, ie: Me.

Somehow when people steal, unknowingly or knowingly (it doesn't matter because they're still thieves), a little part of you just fades away. A part of me believe we're all made up of many, many wires. They're connected together like connecting dots on a drawing book. When people take something away from you, one wire shuts down and it no longer works. It can be fixed but even if it does, it doesn't light up as bright anymore.

I'm tired, I'm turning in. Good night.

PS: My pants came in the mailbox today. As usual, I look fat in them.

Sorry, I can't love you today,
April