It's like an arrow shot through the dark

Life as we know it... is never easy.

I'm typing this entry with a heavy heart. Yep, a heavy heart on a Friday doesn't sound right.

When was the last time you felt like you've made a real bad decision and you can't do anything to make it right? About matters of the heart, I've made one too many bad decisions. All because I listened to my heart.

Upset doesn't even cut it anymore. Disappointment creeps in like it has always been following me around like a shadow. I hate being disappointed because it numbs the heart. Out of a sudden you don't know what to feel anymore.

To all the happy people, thank your lucky stars as they aligned.

To all the unhappy people, I'm with ya.

2 months, 8 weeks, 61 days

Many have asked me time and time again, "Are you ok? How are you dealing with the break up?". A month ago, I was shrugging it off, talking about it here and there and today I finally felt like I could talk about it. You know, without hate.

The breakup wasn't immediate like a tsunami, it felt like a slow and deadly flesh-eating disease that chew me inside out over time. There were couple times I couldn't deal with it at all, I had to hide under sheets and cry but these days I don't cry so much anymore. I still think about the past some times but it doesn't hurt anymore. That's progress, IMO.

I don't know about him. A month after the breakup, I decided to unfollow him on twitter which honestly helped me A LOT. They were right, if you really want to get over someone, you need to stay away from the person even if it means virtually. Facebook updates were a hit and miss.

In short, the breakup didn't uprooted my life. I was very fortunate. It just uprooted me from all that compromising state I was in. I was really rolling in the deep. I am scarred but I believe some day someone's gonna walk me out of it. Out of all that second guessing and insecurity. He just didn't want to be the one and it's okay.

It's been 2 months equivalent of 8 weeks and equivalent of 61 days...... I'm clean of the achin'.

the littlest things

We want a lot of things. Ok let me narrow this down. We want or expect a lot from our partners. Especially from the one you have (in my case, crazy) thoughts walking down the aisle with. We really expect a lot. (quit saying no, it's the truth and you know it)

The media has changed our mindsets over time with advertisements, movies, prints and music. We start to emote, worry, sulk, frustrate over things that we can't have. We began to wonder why can that lead actress end up with a prince and I can't? I want that happy ending too. But can I? So you start wishing and your wish list gets too damn fuckin' long.

What do you expect from your man? The 5Cs? That expensive car? The kind that jumps infront of a train for you? Take a bullet for you? What do you expect from your man?

I used to expect a lot from my man because I thought I was in the position to demand. But when life takes place and things happen, you gradually demand less and modify your list.

Couple hours ago I sat down and I thought about what I really want in my man. It used to be a long list but now it has come to wanting a man who's responsible for his own life, includes me in his plans, hold basic conversations with me everyday, make time for me when he can and most importantly place me close to his heart.

Now, realistically go think about what you expect from your partner. If the first thing that comes to your mind is - he/she must earn twice as much as you then you really haven't seen the worst or you haven't really love.

Good night, y'all. Have a great week ahead!

What is love?

I reviewed this question over a zillion times in my head and I never seem to know what the real answer truly is. Do you?

But for now, this will do. It somehow seemed to aptly explain what love is to me and I hope it made sense to you.

Sitting beside you in school,
While we'd paint I'd make you laugh.
Mine was never very good,
Yours looked exactly like the photograph.
Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you.

I don't always get the way you feel,
But now I've learned to live with that.
It's like I'm a part of something real.
I was hittin' the bottle, now I've broken the seal.
Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you

And the sun sets the scene,
While the rain misses me.
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you.
Oh, The sun sets the scene,
While the rain misses me.
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you.

Paolo Nutini - Growing Up With You

How good is this love

Love.

I imagined it not to be like that. Neither is it how I am practising it. Its such a grand word I'm sure not everyone can carry it upon their shoulders. Huge responsibility.

What kind of lover are you?

I'm the sacrificing kind. I'm the kind who would put away everything just to be with you. Now here, is where we don't match. You're not like me.

I wish you were.

We were always just that close

This song reminded me of you.
Sometimes you make me feel so weak.




I'm not in any position to give any advice, but there's one thing I know - In every relationship, you must communicate. Not just with words but with actions from the heart. You may be sleeping with the same person on the same bed every night but if you heart's not there for embrace, it's never gonna be there no matter how many nights you wait.

This is just one of the songs I like from Rihanna's latest album "Loud". Maybe I'll review it some time but tonight I just want to cave in.

On a side note, I'm really lusting for a pair of Dr. Martens.

How I spent Halloween 2010

This year's Halloween for me felt like Thanksgiving. HAHA, I know right.. I'm still quite hyped about tonight that I've to blog this down in any case the STM strikes again.

Wished I was more into parties and dressing up but my night turned out perfect.

Chicken thigh meat seasoned with black pepper & salt


Oven roasted with garlic & diced carrots (oil the foil with butter!)


Following Jamie Oliver's recipe - Chicken in creamy garlic sauce (absolutely divine)


Seasoned with Rosemary, Sage, Salt & Pepper (you can go easy on the salt though..)


Tiger, the house cat, was snooping the whole time. Total distraction. No cats were harmed in the process.


Red wine sauce with Rosemary - Please use good wine, or at least mid range for better taste!


Viola - Steak with red wine sauce


Seasoned with cajun powder, salt & pepper


Pan-fried with freshly squeezed Lemon juice & sliced garlic

We only finally got to eat at about 8pm, and the show on TV couldn't get any sappier. We dug in with full force and it was probably one of the best meals I've had in weeks.

This Halloween I'm blessed with great family and friends. There's nothing more I could wish for. Be it trick or treat, Happy Halloween!

Love yourself everyday

So.. was at my mandatory medical check up for work and Doctor said my left breast felt lumpy. I know, that's why people don't go to the doctors or are afraid of going because of the fear of bad news. (I was quite pooped my bad news bearer wasn't all that cute and was really rough on me)

So.. I didn't exactly have a good night sleep last night and woke up unusually early to book the next appointment at SATA for a consultation and an ultrasound breast screening. Thank God I could do it all in one day. All that waiting and anxiety really kills. Results will be out Monday. Please don't try to show me any form of sympathy, I will kill you.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...... always remember to love yourself. I know body check ups are really a hassle and awkward having someone see you naked or touch your boobs but what most of us fail to know is how important it is to have ourselves checked regularly. I don't mean to sound like a cynic after one damn check but you'll never know what's going to hit you. If you must take it as paying money for a peace of your mind, so be it.

Loving yourself can be done in many different forms - retail therapy, learning something new and a lot more. How about loving your body more by going for regular body check ups every 6 to 12 months? Instead of obsessing how fat your ass look in that pair of jeans infront of the mirror, why not do something about it?

And maybe it's right, we gotta stop obsessing about the wrong things..

Anyway, Crizal eye test tomorrow! I'm PSYCHED.

Rumour has it

In reference to my previous post 2 days back, found something really interesting online! Seriously, take this with a pinch of salt but you've to agree some of them really make sense. Don't get too lost in translation with ya feelings for that asshole. When I say you deserve better, you really deserve better.

Of relationships and other stuff

This is how I describe my love life.

I don't want to be that person yakking away about how much I want to be involved in your life.

To Joshua

I hate cleaning my desk or my shelves because I'll always find something that somehow manage to take me down a trip memory lane. Be it painful or not. Sometimes trips like these... are uncalled for. Or that deluded mini me refuse to go back in time and watch how I used to hurt people without batting my lashes.

I found a dusty folder with a couple of torn out pages from a note book written by a long lost friend. People call them love letters. It was couple years back during my angsty and super hiao teenage years, I met Joshua.

Joshua's the kind of buddy who's always around. He's the kinda guy to tell you nice things but mean to you sometimes. He's not the best looking bloke but he's so smart you wish all your dates were half like him. Joshua was a great friend.

That year I had plans to leave for Australia to further my studies, so he brought me for dinner and gave me this note book as a farewell gift. Sure enough, there after we never meet again. I lost him as a friend too due to my lack of sensitivity. Pure idiocy, I say. I still remember the last thing he ever said to me was - "Have a nice life."

Anyway, it was a scrap book, some sort. With badly printed pictures of us and funny scribbles.. That 'bad girl' I used to be actually was so loved by someone.

Here's what the final note read:

Dear April,
As I already told you in my blog, the book is meant for you to write down all the things you love about yourself. You are so beautiful to me. Your feistiness, the way you feel strongly about family, your insecurities and your strength. Everything that you are is perfect to me. I hope that as you embark upon the journey in Australia, you will learn to discover everything that I told you about you. I wish you could see yourself though my eyes. But I guess it always takes time. Oh yeah on another note, don't forget to remember me.

He also wrote a couple of poems to/about me, here's my favourite, titled "Angel":

To break my heart and the serene sky,
To cause the rainfalls from on high.
To kill the songs of the birds,
All you have to do is cry.

Walk upon the empty road,
Destination still unknown.
You are my guide through all the world,
My love, my destiny.

If I could have you now as mine,
Pain and hell I shall deny.
Yet broken bits of memory lay,
So much flowers we have to slay.

Thus let us go into the night,
of endless darkness, of little sight.
And perhaps blinds us now forever,
So we cannot see that we can never.

For you, the stars will die.
Joshua.

To Joshua, thank you for believing in me and that convinced me that I could be someone's perfection. We may not be friends anymore and though memories of our friendship are tugged away at the back of my mind, I wish you well. I hope you're somewhere doing great with your life and met someone who deserves your love.

Thank you for your love.

April

Love?

Read this from fuckyeahhlove.tumblr, and it almost triggered something in me that I couldn't explain:

“I wanted it played at our wedding, along with “Grow Old With Me” and “Nights of Satin”. We talked about living in an old house with a big yard, and getting a German Shepherd, a Ragdoll cat, and a few rats. Our children were going to be named Bailey, Dannan, and Avonlea Jean. We got through it when you almost got cut out of your dad’s will because you were in a gay relationship; we got through your “mom” screaming at you… a few times; we got past your brother-in-law telling us that we were mentally ill and manipulative; we got through the initial frustrations of living together; we got through all the ups and downs of love. We loved each other, and wanted a life with each other. I look back and wonder: if people had just let us live out our happily ever after, would you have had the mental breakdown that led to you breaking up with me? …You couldn’t handle the pressure anymore.

Remember how I held you that first night, and I couldn’t fall asleep because I knew I had something miraculous in my arms… and how could I waste my life sleeping, when I could spend it holding you?

I still love you like I’ve never loved anyone. I still want a life with you like I’ve never wanted anything else. In the words of your mother, “You are too precious to lose.” ”

You know what's the hardest part about making plans? You never know if you'd ever make it there with the 1 person you want it with the most. Well, you know what, eventually we'll all get there. We'll all get that house we wanted, that dream 7 seater car, or even that puppy you prayed for since you were 5. But what make all these 'wants' stay significant after you've got them? You get to share them with someone special. Now, that's the challenge.

Being Single for more than 2 years, (well, what's 2 years right, since I'm only 22), I find myself feeling awkward having to be not single again. Not bad awkward but awkward like your first time in 5 inches high heels. You don't feel steady. You don't feel secure. You don't feel ready. It's like anytime you're gonna fall flat on your nose. But. (yes, there's a but) You feel tall-er. You feel beautiful looking at yourself in the mirror saying, "Omg, these heels look so gorgeous. And what the heck, I kinda look good in them too!". That feeling is awesome. Totally awesome juice.

That's how I feel right now. It's comfort in an uncomfortable situation. :)

You know what they say - You can complain that roses have thorns or rejoice that thorns have roses.

BTW, love looks like this too.......... slurps.

Halia Restaurant and Botanic Garden

B brought me to Halia Restaurant at Botanic Garden yesterday. It's a beautiful, beautiful place.

We didn't manage to see the place by day because by the time we walked there it started to get dark. We were like Dora the Explorer exploring Botanic Garden! BG is mofo huge, I tell you.

Me: Are we on the right traccccccck....... I'm tired...........
B: Have you explored Botanic Garden before?
Me: No?
B: See! We're exploring the place together then! You're exploring Botanic Garden with me!

*big smile*

Finally, after a long long walk, and his attempt to push me into the artificial fall, we made it there!





Pictures taken from: Here

I don't have photos of the dishes because my camera sucks and his iphone doesn't have flash. He had a ribeye steak which was average but he commented on the how the sauce they have on the baked potato which made the potato really yummy. I picked a duck dish with a Japanese fusion. With Japanese sweet potato puree by the sides, the savoury duck actually tasted really sweet. Felt like I skipped right to the dessert.

Overall, we had a good meal. :) Thank you, b!

Oh, did I tell you that wasn't really my first time visiting Botanic Gardens? Last Saturday I was there for a picnic with the gang. Ty's potato salad's really good. I'm going to steal his recipe! Sometimes when you indulge in life's simplest pleasures, you find yourself easily content.









Have a good Thursday.
You have all my love.

NuffNang: Movie Contest – “The Princess and the Frog” Movie Tickets Giveaway!

Do you still remember your first kiss?

Do you still remember the first time his hands wrapped around your waist and you felt like you had the world at your feet, as though you can achieve anything in the world?

It happened on the escalator as we first held hands and I was too shy to look him in the eye. That boy was beautiful. He was possibly one of the most beautiful people I've met. At least, that was how I felt back then. It wasn't that kind of love. It wasn't that 'till death do us part' kind of love. It wasn't any of those dramatic, gun shots, broken tear glands kind of love. It was a simple love. I simply just liked liking him. Apart from being beautiful, he was also funny. The kind of boy to pull heart strings.

It was on the long escalator we first held hands. I was way too shy to him in the eye. I remembered clearly he still had his school uniform on and I also remembered how cute he looked. I liked the feeling of my hands in his. He didnt have particularly huge hands. It was just big enough to hold mine.

It was on the long escalator we first held hands. This time I turned to look at him in the eye. I realize he was just as shy. He leaned closer pulling me closer.

"Can I kiss you?", he asked blushing.

My cheeks were burning hot. He moved a little closer and planted a peck on my trembling lips. That was when I gave my heart away. Completely.

I remembered it was on the long escalator we first held hands.

That's how my first kiss felt like.
Giving myself away completely to someone who used to be a stranger.
Wherever you are, I missed you.

Catch The Princess and the Frog in cinemas 10th December 2009.